• PonyTales

Anxiety vs "Love"...learning to discern even when our heart doesn't want to listen.

They say that if you know the word you can discern anything. That you have the ability to recognize truths. I surrendered and “let go let God”. What happened next is I found the pages of the Bible would become another catalyst for the flames of the Hell I was about to walk into.

Call me old fashion but if I’m willing to proudly submit to a man who is deserving than I’m deserving of a man who is going to fulfill his role as the leader. A man is called to bring security and protection, be the head of the household and bring spiritual guidance. I won’t settle for less. In return, I will honor and respect you till my last breath.

He taught me to raise my standards. Showed me what a partnership looked like with balanced responsibilities, made me laugh more than anyone else had before and even brought me closer to God. Showed me I wanted to be a woman of integrity and helped me break some character flaws nobody challenged me with before. I won’t take those great things away from him, he had a reason for my life, a season that changed my way of thinking.

It was toxic. Manipulations and many double standards. The mind games and his ability to make me feel less of a human than the great woman I thought I was. The control, the emotional games, and his smooth articulate manners that made me fending for myself almost impossible. I at some point, began to believe his lies. When the anxiety became too much and I decided to surrender to God, he took my new found faith and used it to his advantage.

I discovered a relationship in Christianity I never could have imagined. A prayer life that most people wouldn’t believe. I began to engulf myself in spiritual learning. I had found a peace my life had been missing. When the train finally derailed, I found such a bad taste in my mouth I couldn’t even look up at the sky.

I almost drank the kool-aid. The embarrassment I feel every time I tell people how deep I had gotten committed. That I was told by people around me to “give my worries to God” and ignore the very discernment God gave me! How did I get so close to Christ and it would be Christ’s words that would be the ammunition he would use against me when I finally ended things.

I couldn’t pray. I couldn’t watch my youtube sermons the way I did before. I would tell God that I was sorry and that he would just have to bear with me. Then the day came when I would experience my first depression episode and my first panic attack. I was devastated. If anxiety wasn’t enough already I couldn’t let panic attacks now rule my life. So, I went back to my universal meditations to get my emotions back intact. I wasn’t ready for the accountability that came with praying to God.

Four months before I could meditate routinely. Six months before I could unblock myself and begin blogging again. About seven months before I could speak to God. Not soon after that I returned to church, watching my videos and reading. My prayer life is more intense than ever, and my third eye is definitely woke.

I pray to God every day to keep those people away who pretend to be good. I beg to hear His voice and for His answers. I hungrily seek His guidance, because I’m tired of the disappointments. The lesson is always to seek Him first and find happiness in ourselves. I can’t do this life thing alone, alone without God, not without man.

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