• PonyTales

At a potentially hazardous crossroad, do we evaluate the risk as we enter the intersection?

Now a days we plug in a destination, get in our cars and drive. We never check to see what obstacles we may encounter on the way. If the traffic light is green we go. How many times have you approached a yellow light and instead of slowing down you floor it through just missing the tip of a red light? Or better yet, we just run it with full awareness. We spend hours sitting in our car driving, constantly checking the rear mirror looking back and seeing our reflection, but when coming to a cross road that is potentially hazardous, do we really evaluate the risk as we enter into the intersection? I mock Fast and the Furious saying that I live one quarter mile at a time. Even though that has many truths, I can’t be careless on the streets when there are cars around me that I’m potentially harmful to. I always knew that consuming certain types of liquor would manifest this not so nice alter ego. I would describe her as either overly emotional and becomes upset or a very very ugly out to rip your heart out angry entity. Something along the lines of Christian Bales “American Psycho”. Isn’t that terrible? For the longest she was summoned via dark liquors or when consuming drinks with mixed multiple liquors like Long Islands and Grateful deads. So, I was good...just watched what I drank. Then I came to the understanding that certain people drew her out. If I was with my ex, who I already had so much hatred for, she always made an appearance. He used to tell me that when we drink he was always worried about how the night would end. So, if I was with good people who made me feel good, I didn’t think twice about doing it big! For the record, I don’t have a drinking addiction or an issue with abstinence, it’s knowing whether or not I’ll mutate when I cross the line of destruction and trusting myself to recognize the caution signs to slow down or stop. At this point, drinking wasn’t a “problem”. I had plenty of rationalization to show that the environment and variables were the cause behind these moments. The truth was I didn’t really care enough about those affected to feel it mattered to alter my life style or to see the significance in what was happening. Once it began to cause issues in my life in areas I did value, I had to stop and evaluate. There are close individuals in my family who had similar characteristics. I hated it. I hated being around them. I was embarrassed time and time again. No matter how many times I spoke up about the issue, there was never a resolution. Even in times I was blamed and made to feel guilty for my reaction to the things they did to me. Guess what? They haven’t drank in years. I guess I realized the strong hold had a grip and it was time to face what most people see as something that would “never happen to me.” When I seek my support and I tell them that something has to be done the question comes up asking what my plan or goal is. Immediately, I feel a sense of strength that I can promise abstinence but that having a drink here and there should be ok if I manage quantity control. Well...that’s not a solid plan that can be supported easily when I’m persecuting myself as to when enough is enough. That’s when the moment came. That I realized I had a serious problem and that I needed to just give it up. It felt insane! I eat healthy, I work out, I meditate and pray and try to live the best I can. How could I be so naive to thing that just because it happened once every few months that I didn’t have a problem. That I was too good to need to take an extreme measure. Light after light, intersection after intersection I never once stopped to yield. Now I had a passenger in my car and I couldn’t any longer only think solely about myself. If I crash and burn, we were going down together. That’s the moment I valued someone else and decided it was time to make a decision. How many times have you missed an exit or turn not paying attention? Texting and stopping just shy of hitting the car in front of you? We all have some struggle or inner demon we don’t want to face and need to. How many fender benders are you willing to risk before you reach a total loss?

6 views0 comments