• PonyTales

Wife vs Life

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but sometimes not giving up isn’t enough. Let’s be for real, can you teeter totter by yourself? Nope! And when you are treading open water and that hand never comes to pull you up you eventually just decide to give in and sink. I stopped swimming and decided I was going to do something I wanted and laid out to get a tan. Having a kid at 19 as a full time single parent, then living with my mom who co parented, to being with a husband who had to have everything his way didn’t really have a place for what made me happy. We’ve all been there, in a situation that we knew was wrong but we just hadn’t had enough to get out even though we knew this quick sand wasn’t going to stop anytime soon...probably never. One day I woke up and realized my 30th birthday was underway and I was going to take my place at the throne again as number 1. That was the beginning of it all. A decision. So, when divorce is wrong, all relationships are hard and require work, what point do you decide to choose your life over being a wife? I thought doing for my spouse was what any wife would do, please your man by accommodating his feelings about certain situations. I did that, for a long time. Until I realized I was in the relationship and I had needs as well. Once I began to voice my needs and they weren’t heard I realized I was the only one on the seesaw. Without someone to push me up, I was to remain on the floor until I got up all by myself. Consumed by the negativity of my misery I felt hopeless many times...many times emotionless, in a haze that left me a robot to wake up day in and day out. Even tatted “energy” on my arm as a reminder to focus on what was good. Is this what life is suppose to be like? Groundhog Day that lacked love and appreciation with no future plan/goals as a partnership to look forward to? I mean I knew what I was to look forward to: housework, taking care of the kids and mother n law, hoping I had the time to cook or workout while running a business from home. Abandonment. One of the words I’ve incorporated into my vocabulary of emotions I’m learning as the healing process continues. I worked two jobs for seven years with the hopes of being able to work for myself behind the chair (that’s in a salon for those non stylist). You want to talk about mommy guilt? Up at 5:30, home at 6 to work till late which meant no time for the kiddos and nobody there to pick up my slack. When I finally did it...there was some other responsibility to fill my time losing the freedom I worked so hard for. I became what felt like a prisoner of my own home. My grandmother told me in Puerto Rico that God would repay me for my sacrifices, those are the words I held onto. After two years of tears and nobody to wipe them, I left. But it wasn’t over yet. I tasked myself to numb anything that I could possibly feel. The moment I learned to slow down and I felt a nudge of emotion I ran back. I doubted my choices. I was not prepared mentally and my head space was weak. Since I didn’t take the time to rip off the band aids and actually get into the meat of the issues, I was left without resolution or understanding. Divorced and reunited. What I didn’t know was that this last hooray would catapult me into battle with life. I went to Barnes and Nobles and purchased The Power, a book in The Secret series that changed my mindset and taught me that I had to give love to receive love. How do I give love to someone who has shown me little mercy? But I did. A friend encouraged me to meditate, so I began. The transformation started. As I began to chose happiness he began to resist. As I began to listen I started to pull at the core of the issues and clarity opened up my eyes. For the first time in my life I knew what I wanted and what he was willing to give. A conclusion that ended with “we just aren’t meant for one another”. I didn’t want to meet his needs and he didn’t want to meet mine, which is ok...cause someone else will. This time my mind was strong and I was prepared to jump off this sinking ship and swim ashore. Life had more to offer me and there was someone out there that I knew would make me feel like a princess. That I could be happy and climb any mountain I set my heart to. That I could live in peace and be surrounded by good energy. Are you living at your potential? I’m not...there yet! But I’m a moving vessel that is reaching new altitudes constantly, emotionally, professionally, and spiritually. Have courage and believe that life is what you make it. Choose to be happy. I chose my LIFE.

#newyear #resolutions #old

18 views0 comments